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I started going to a women's Bible study a few weeks ago with one of my close friends (she writes
Thankfully Thrifty - check it out!) We are studying Beth Moore's
Esther:It's Tough Being a Woman, and I'm loving it! I have only ever done one other Beth Moore study, and I didn't get to see her speak through the DVD's so I feel like this is really a special treat.
The last couple of weeks have really struck a chord with me, and I decided I would use my blog to get some thoughts out. Last week Beth Moore talked about "meanness" and "mean girls," and why we sometimes let that mean streak out. She talked about that a lot of times that meanness comes out because of a threat, and I found that interesting. I never really thought about it that way, but it got me thinking , and I think I had a bit of a revelation this last week.
I have talked before about how I don't feel like I have a ton of girlfriends where I live now, and that has been hard for me. On the other hand though, making friends isn't super easy for me. I know most people who know me would think this weird, but I'm only outgoing and talkative (maybe too much) after I get to know somebody. Even then, I think it does take me a while to warm up to people. It is funny because I never really thought about it that way, but I have had many people say that, and I think I see how that is true now. Okay, I don't know why I do it, and I don't even want to begin to try and figure that out - it might takes years to get into that - but I do have to say that once you are a friend, you're in for life. I take my friendships seriously and loyalty is important to me.
All of that being said, I have mentioned before that over that last few months I have learned that I am a very critical person (I think my eyes were opened to this fact through a daily devotional I had been doing). I think women in general tend to be critical - we are the best at picking each other apart. I am always critical of people in my mind; I'm not one that just shares my thoughts out loud with everyone like some people. I'm silently critical, and I don't think that is better. If I spouted it out, at least people would know where they stood I guess. I think though I figured out why I get so critical and where the meanness comes from, and guess what? It does come from a threat!!
When I'm around friends and they have other friends over I don't know very well, I tend to feel like my friendship is threatened. Instead of embracing meeting someone new, I feel defensive and start picking them apart in my head. I think it is only a matter of time before that internal criticism starts to affect how I treat them outwardly. I don't think I am ever intentionally mean to anyone, but I think I tend to become more distant and cold versus open and friendly with someone new.
I don't honestly know why I do this. I think it may be that I feel I have lost closeness with many friends in the past, but honestly that was probably just going to happen with growing up. I still do keep in touch with some good friends from high school, but we aren't as close as we used to be. They all moved on, and I guess I felt like I didn't because I don't have a new group of girlfriends. My husband and I have a great group of couple friends, and I love them dearly. I consider them all to be very close friends, but it is almost always as a couple, not just the girls. I met all of them through my husband and his friends, and none of those bonds started because we connected as girlfriends. Does that make sense? I think it might be that they all have a group of girlfriends separate from our couple group, and I don't, and I don't think they are looking to fill that void because it is already full. I'm not really sure.
I know it is probably ridiculous, and I know it affects my thoughts negatively and that can then negatively affect my friendships. It is just such a complex and frustrating cycle, and I just pray that I can be a woman who is content, happy with where she is, present in my life, and enjoy being with friends whole-heartedly when I'm with them and not worry about all of this other stuff. I know relationships can't be forced. Worrying about it doesn't help either. Maybe if I put myself out there more and invite the ladies to do stuff just us girls, than I might even finding deeper relationships that I didn't know were there.
If you are still reading, gold star for you! This was probably not a very exciting post, but I just needed to empty my brain onto the page. I feel like I'm in a growing period and learning a lot about myself, and sometimes it helps to write it out.
Hope y'all are having blessed days!
Those are my musings for today! Have a blessed Thursday!
